


Growing Cold

by wonderwanda



Category: The Good Wife (TV)
Genre: F/F, Ficlet, Prompt Fill
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-23
Updated: 2014-07-23
Packaged: 2018-02-10 02:14:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,007
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2007111
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wonderwanda/pseuds/wonderwanda
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Four times Kalinda doesn't cry in front of Alicia, and one time she does.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Growing Cold

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the ["Everything Changes" 2014 TGW Ficathon](http://sweetjamielee.livejournal.com/106698.html). Apologies in advance for the lack of beta. 
> 
> TW: Mention of sexual assault.

I.

She is seven, and scrapes her knee during a particularly raucous game of tag. At first she doesn’t notice because the tears come from embarrassment, not pain. Tommy Dorsett laughs loudest. That evening at home she checks her aim; and when she returns to school the next day, she hits hits him square between the eyes with a rock. She challenges the others, actively seeking opponents. After no one takes her offer and before she gets suspended, Kalinda rips her band aid off and peels the remaining bits of scab off with it. She lets the blood dribble down her leg without apology. No one will talk to her for the entirety of third grade. 

II.

She is 17 and desperately wants to ask Kate Browning to prom. She daydreams about it in biology class, trying hard not to fall asleep on her notes or accidentally sever some dead animal’s intestines. Kalinda figures she’s hit the jackpot when her ‘seven minutes in heaven’ partner at John’s party is Kate. She is worried for a second, because Tommy Dorsett is sitting next to her and she figures if they ever were in a room alone she’d strangle him. 

“Have you ever kissed a girl before?” Kate asks. Kalinda doesn’t want to admit she’s been fantasizing about this exact moment for months. 

“No. I mean, yes, duh, I kiss girls all the time.” 

They embrace for a moment, and it’s clear Kate knows what she’s doing. 

“Leela, relax.” Kate runs her hand through Kalinda’s hair, bringing her chin up to connect lips. 

They are in the closet for fifteen minutes, exploring each other’s bodies. Kate slips off one of Kalinda’s bra straps, and there is a knock at the door: it’s John. 

“Can you guys hurry your lez party up?” Kalinda’s breath is deep in Kate’s collar bone. 

“Keep it in your pants cowboy.” Kate shouts through the door, slipping her shirt back on. Kalinda does the same. The door opens. 

“Oooh lezzies!” Tommy cheers from the circle. 

“Cool your jets Dorsett, we were just talking about Christian Slater.” Tommy raises his eyebrows in disbelief, but Kalinda shoots him a glare that quiets the entire room. 

Later that night, Kate and Kalinda take a walk together. 

“Listen,” Kalinda begins, “I was wondering if you want to go to prom with me.” 

“I can’t.” Says Kate. 

“Why not?” 

“Because I just can’t!” Kate shouts. They stand on the street corner, and Kate pulls her in for another kiss. 

The next day Kalinda goes to her locker and it is covered in lipstick graffiti. _LEZ-LA_. She turns to see Kate twist the cap closed and rub her lips together. 

Years later, she finds out that Kate’s gotten married and has children. Kalinda hopes she is miserable. 

III.

She is 27, and the only thing that’s made her angry in the last five years is a brief encounter with a strapping young gentleman that she can barely remember. He holds her down, tells her she’s going to like it, but she doesn’t. Instead of crying she takes a sexual sabbatical. 

She drinks alone mostly, sometimes at home, sometimes at the dive by her apartment. She turns down offer after offer, until he sits next to her. She fellates the ego of each person who sits next to her for approximately one minute, sometimes two if she’s feeling bored. Michael has been talking at her for ten minutes. He’s wearing a nice suit and has stumbled into the bar by accident. He’s on a business trip from Chicago and doesn’t know the area well. 

By the end of the night he is laying on her bed _in flagrante delicto_. Before he comes, she’s secured herself an apartment and a job upon relocating. She lets him stay the night because the novelty is entertaining, but after he leaves in the morning; she shuts the door and slides down the back of it into a pool of herself. 

Before that evening, she hadn’t used sex explicitly to get what she wanted. 

She’s afraid of how good it makes her feel.

IV.

It is a brief encounter with her boss that she doesn’t care about. The sex is average, and she imagines twiddling her thumbs as he goes down on her. She’s not even sure how it got to this point. He reaches for a family portrait to turn down as she unwraps a condom. It occurs to her that she should feel bad about this, but she doesn’t. She doesn’t feel anything. 

Only years later does it catch up to her when she sees the same family photo on another boss’ desk. She resists the urge to comment on it for months. 

Kalinda convinces herself that she’s locked herself in the bathroom because she feels guilty about the breathy way he whispered her name while they were pressed against his desk. _Leela, Leela._

Only later does she realize it’s because she wishes that voice had belonged to Alicia. 

V.

Her friend dies. _Their_ friend dies. Friends, friends, friends. She knows he’s had something she never will-- Alicia’s words in his heart. She watches out for her every step, trying her best to make sure no further sadness befalls a woman she’s still very much in love with. 

Not even Will can win her now, so they commiserate together under the guise of work related issues. Even he doesn't know how she feels; and now he is gone. 

She pulls some strings to figure out when Alicia will have an evening alone; and shows up at her apartment with a bottle of merlot. (Because it’s sweet like she is.) Kalinda apologizes, but Alicia invites her in and they share the bottle. 

After a few glasses, they’ve devolved into misty eyes and the people they once were. 

Kalinda lets the tears flow freely down her cheeks. 

Alicia mistakenly assumes they’re both crying about Will, missing each _I love you_ Kalinda breathes into her hair. 

Kalinda's sexual sabbatical has ended. 

Her emotional sabbatical however, will last forever.


End file.
